Okay I am really appriciative of all the care and concern that seems to be out there. But please understand that the post was a rant. I am the last person in the world anyone needs to be telling to just leave. I get this. I know this. I plan on it. Womens shelters are crowded here. Unless there is physical abuse your told to go to a homeless shelter. That is not the enviroment I want my kids in. Yes staying here is better than that, because A) he isn't violent B) ho adores his kids and wouldnt hurt them C) its rare that he is that mean to me. NOw that being said, I am not making excuses ( and i know in your welldoing minds your saying ive heard that before) but I am being for real. I intend to move. My name is on this lease until May. I can not break that. My back is broke. I cannot go to a homeless shelter or bounce around places when I can barely take care of and keep a hold of my kids here. I had intended to leave last summer when I wound up pregnant. This will not happen again, as I still have a job to go to as soon as my back heals so I will be able to save again and not be moving out so blindly. If he was to hit me, I would be gone in a minute, and then at least I would be able to get the help I needed. For now, I just avoid and ignore, and trust me it is rare when he does things like that. And I am in total agreeance with most commenters, I would much rather take a punch than be hurt emotionally. I know that me and him just do not get along and believe Im about as much to blame, although I realise his form of venting is very immature and destructive. I am not simply holding onto something waiting for it toget better. Never in a million years would I do that, thanks to the example of my own mother. With all that being said Thanks again for the concern. I appriciate the advice and trust that I am taking it. Things just take time, especially right now. I am just glad I have a safe place to rant and vent, rather than bottle it up. Thanks Again!

Did you hear about the police identifying over 700 people in a global pedophile ring? Lets pray that every one of those sons of bitches gets what he deserves. Thankfully many children were rescued in this sting. If there is one crime that is truly unforgivable it is the abuse of children, in any way shape or form. After the Maddie story hit the news I began praying every night that she make it home safe and now that she is in peace. And I continue every night to say a prayer for all the children who are still enduring this. It's hard to believe our God is a loving one when you see these things taking place everyday, and when you yourself were a victim, but I still have some faith that if enough people pray and work on stopping these crimes it just may get better.

Decided not to get married after all. I will have to figure out a way to get health insurance without any income. But it's not worth getting married over. We just dont get along. They can't do any surgery until my back heals anyhow. I tried the welfare insurance thing but JL makes too much money and because I live with him it counts. I can't go back to work till this brace is off. Once I do though I should be able to afford the almost 300 independent health insurance wants a month. I will just have to live with him longer. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just move into public housing and get on welfare if I have too. But I cant seem to bring myself to do it. I like being secure, knowing that my kids are taken care of at least.
Me and IR had a moment the other night. He brought it up that no matter how many times we drift and say we are just gonna be friends, we always seem to end up back in each others arms. I really want to be with him but things are too screwed up right now. If it's meant to be it will happen. Niether one of us is ready to commit, or at least I dont think. I hope he agrees with that. Time will tell... "but id rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery".
I need to get into shape bad. I think I am using this brace as an excuse too much. Starting tonight I am going to walk for at least an hour a day. After dinner I will take my daughter to the park and walk around the track while she plays.
I hope something happens that makes it a little more clear what I should be doing.

My son had his appointment today. He had failed his newborn hearing test in the left ear and another one they done shortly after also failed. Something weird happened. They ran the test and he failed again in his left ear. After talking to the doctor the tech ran the test again for his left ear. The whole time I was praying to myself "Lord just let this baby hear okay. please" And he passed, with flying colors! The tech said that equipment musta malfunctioned... I am wondering though.
I am also heartbroken now because of the little girl that was in the waiting room. She was 6 and in a wheelchair, looked to be paralyzed from the neck down and had a trech tube in her throat. I am sure there were some mental issues as well, but she had the sweetest smile and the cutest chubby cheeks. My heart broke and it was all I could do not to start crying. Then my sympathy went somewhere unexpected though. I had felt bad for people like her before but I found myself looking at her mother and how tired she looked, and I thought how has she gone through 6 years of that? How much strength does that take? Then the little girl smiled again and i realised where the strength came from. I know one thing though, I never want to complain about my healthy kids again or having to be their mother. I am sure I will as there will be times I feel that "my time" being interupted yet again is so unfair, but I hope I will remember that woman in the waiting room and realise I have no place bitching.
Had some other things to say but too tired right now.