I finally slept last night. A full 8 hours. I spent the early part of the evening coming to conclusions about things. I have been hiding from dealing with things. It is true I have become my grandmother and my mother, sticking my head in the sand to avoid the complications around me. It is so much easier if you just make yourself pretty every day and just smile your way through. I realise there are a few people in my life, who have no meaning at all. They are there simply a a distraction. The something I got to when I just need to pretend everything is okay. Another diversion to keep my from facing what needs faced. I wonder if I could make it day without walking down the street to talk to somone, being on the phone, or iming a friend or two. Why am I so afraid to just be alone.? I used to love being alone. I would sit with pen and paper and just explore myself. Now when the kids are asleep and I should be reflecting, perfecting instead I am putting myself in the middle of a social mess, even though I don't want to be there. Even worse, I am putting myself around "potentials" again. Those are guys who would be willing/able to take care of me. Sugar Daddys some would call them. I met Jason the other night. He lives a few blocks down. He is a sweetie but I know he is another " just be beautiful babe". Then again I may be jumping to conclusions and he might have it in him to tell me to hold my own. I don't think it is going to go anywhere, because he is older, and I am avoiding that. But then again, it's nice to feel wanted again, by someone new and still exciting. I am going to spend the beginning of the week avoiding everyone, just to see if I can be at peace when it is just me alone. And now i need to go tend to the drama starting here. I wish Jerry would just be a fucking parent instead of letting her get away with shit and then being just as immature when he has finally had enough. Things would be so much more peaceful if he didn't live with us.

Well my friend Amanda stopped me dead in my tracks today. I was bitching about not being able to do anything again because Jerry just wanted to sit at home. I had told him that when I got another car there was no way I was sitting at home. And I was reminded of who was supposed to be helping me get that car, him. With no credit and no cosigner I dont have a choice. I was ranting to Amanda and said he has so much f$cking control over me. She looked at me and said "yeah think about that for a while." She has been trying to get me to realise this for the longest time. I think it's time to do something, I just dont know what or how yet. My biggest problem is giving up money and the extra perks of having his income. I am not ready to go back to being dirt poor, especially with two kids. But I am realising more and more, that I am basically prostituting myself. When did I let myself become so weak, that money would dominate over happiness and self worth? I can hear my grandmas voice in my head "broke and without a friend but never without an excuse" and my excuse is money and while it is powerful, it is also what is keeping me from what I truly want and from truly being happy. I wish the how part would become clearer though.

Okay. Every single person in my life knows how badly I want to go to college. The support I get on this, is none. I was supposed to be in school this fall, but Jerry forgot a condom around last July. So I decided to put it off until Fall of 08. Well I have been talking to my friend Joe about what to do and look for, basically just explain the whole process, as he is about to graduate from Temple U. What I got in return was. "You want to go to school babe? Don't you think it is going to be kinda hard?" "You know you don't have to stay with Jerry to be supported. I told you if you left him I would take care of you." "It's really hard babe, why would you want to if you didn't have to? Don't be silly beautiful, you don't have to put yourself through that." And what did I do. I smiled graciously, because after all that was in his mind supposed to be a compliment not an insult, all the while i was screaming in my head, I graduated with way higher scores than you, excelled more than you, and if I can push a kid out with no pain killers after an exhausting labor, I can handle a little hard work. I have never met a guy who supported me doing anything. My ex fiancee (at the age of 16, not the best idea but hey it was a 2 carat diamond ring!) anyways, he didn't even want me to finish school. I didn't need that. To make it worse it's not just friends, it's my family. They are soo old fashioned. I was chastised for continueing to work while I was pregnant. My cousin Mike was ready to kick Jerrys ass because he thought that I was being made to work, because in my family, the man brought home the check, the woman ran the house. I am not dumb. I am not stupid. I am more than aware going to school, raising two kids is going to be HELL. But it's a temporary hell that would put me in a place where I never have to turn to another guy who could say something like, "your too pretty for school, babe". I ask myself everyday, how can you smile and put up with this? I am still waiting for the answer, because i have no good reason, other than maybe I am afraid to be on my own. Maybe I have men in my life who want to play the protecter and keeper, simply because deep down I am afraid. Things always have to be complicated huh. But I realise more and more, thought Ian (my bf who im in love with) has some major flaws (like being a dick), he is the only one who has ever been supportive of me doing anything, and encourages it. I think he is more disapointed in me for not obtaining anything I originally set out to do, five years ago. All I have done, is become what everyone else expected for me. I am a mom. Nothing short of a housewife. I rushed back to Ky to take care of my grandfather when he fell ill, and would do the same if any of my aunts needed me as well. If it wasn't for my complete faith meltdown, I would probably still be teaching Sunday school. Everything about me is this joke, facade(?). If they only knew what was really going on behind the smile.
Enough bitching I guess.

I lost 11 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The baby weight is almost off of me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!