Little things are getting to me more and more, and I think its because lately they seem to be either representing everything bad about my life, or at least waking me up to it. There has been a multitude of things this week alone. But todays made me smile. I had bought myself a journal today. I never buy anything for myself, and after I had filled the cart with laundry detergent, dawn, and apple scented floor cleaner, the pretty cover of the journal caught my eye and I tossed it in. I got home and was eager to start writing in it. It was mine. Like I said, pretty much the first non necessity I have bought for myself in a long time. I had already gave SueEllen a light scolding for trying to mess with it and quickly showed her the Dora sunglasses and water gun that was bought for her so she wouldn't be tempted to mar the pristine pages. So after dinner was cleared and the dishes done, I sat down to write. A whole page of the most elegant manuscript I have done in ages, and then it happens. Life. SueEllen manages to go from sitting in a chair quietly to falling forward, knocking over a can of Diet Pepsi Max onto my nice clean journal newly imprinted with the elegant red cursive that represented everything going on inside me. At first I saw red. This was for me! I actually said that allowed. And then I almost said something else that froze me. "I'm not meant to to have anything nice, am I." In that tone that appeared humorous but now after all these years I can recognize the hidden sadness and truth in those words. At a time when other grandparents were relaxing and enjoying a life free of "kids" except for the occasional visits, my grandmother was having all her things destroyed or at the very least marked up by the three- four grandkids she always seemed to be raising at any given time, including me. She never snapped and said that was for me or that was mine, like I did and do. She would in that slightly sarcastic humor, (that must have hidden the disappointment of never truly getting to own something nice), would just say "Well I'm not meant to have anything nice, am I?" I never heard this as a complaint growing up. Because she always smiled and never scolded us. I remember the time I broke her porcelain duck. I was terrified because I knew how much she loved her ducks, but she ran in scared that one of us had gotten hurt. Even when she seen the unfortanate fate belonged only to the duck she stayed calm. She seen me crying and told me it was allright. She would rather it be the duck than us. And I remember her later reprimanding my older cousins who had babies before she died, when they punished their little ones for a similar disaster. She would tell them that the so and so object "wouldnt miss you when your dead." And you never put down a child for a material thing. So I smiled, imagining her telling me its a $3 pad of paper with a shiny cover. And that may be the only reason SueEllen got to walk away with only hearing "that was for me." I hope I can find the patience and selflessness that she had. Because wether I like it or not, until my kids are grown and maybe until they are gone, there really isnt going to be anything thats just mine. I guess I can just aspire to be like my grandma, and then when SueEllen is older, hope that she learns the hidden meaning of "Guess I wasn't meant to have nice things."

Someone I love very much dedicated this song to me. It was so awkward cause his sister calls and says hurry put it on so and so station. And next thing I know I hear him talking about me and requesting this song! But Jerry was sitting right there! The whole time, so yikes and way awkward. But it kinda made my day.

Wish I knew how to post the song or video but I will stick with the lyrics for now.

She Ain't Right - Lee Brice

She got her daddy's tongue and temper
Sometimes her mouth could use a filter
God shook his head the day he built her
Oh, but I bet he smiled.
She loves and lives her life unruly
Tears up that dirt road up in a dualy
Dangerous, absolutely.
And in a little while...
She'll be roundin' that corner on three wheels
Ain't slowin down, yellin "Come on, jump in"
Always up to somethin, crazy got nothin' on her

Chorus:
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me

She says she wants to meet my momma
I said, I don't think you oughta
You're like mixin' oil and water
But by midnight she had
momma on the coffee table dancin'
Comin' unwound
Good God I swear, can't take her anywhere
What's the girl gonna do next

Chorus:
She ain't right, she ain't right
She ain't right, but she's just right for me

Every once and a while she gives me that smile
and says, I just don't see somebody like you
lovin' somebody like me

She ain't right, naw she ain't right
She ain't right

She ain't right, she ain't right
She's just right, she's just right, she's just right
She's just right for me

Mhhmmm she's just right, she's just right.
She ain't right, she's just right for me.

NOt the most romantic but sweet! *swooning a bit*

you've finally melted into what i hoped you were underneath.
and it's so messed up that i can only love in reaction to abuse,
i can only stay attached if i know i'm being used;
an outlet for anger or for input of lust,
what used to be selfless was broken like trust.
i'm sorry i forced you to grow into this monster
but i can't love what i don't deserve.
i'd rather be cowering in a corner, my psyche slowly falling apart,
then living and knowing day after day
that i'm the one breaking your heart
?

I have been trying to write again. I think I need to turn the internet off so I can stay focused. :) It is quite distracting. I have finally been getting ideas again though from browsing the internet. Some things I wish I hadn't seen now, but at the same time I have this morbid fascination with car wrecks. So rather than replaying it over and over in my head I am going to try to write it out. If I wake up one more night in a cold sweat I think I am going to lose it. It's so weird because my kid's came out of the accident fine, but when I replay it in my half asleep mind it changes. Instead of finding them okay, there is just a bloody mess. They were stuck in their seats upside down after the accident and I couldn't get to them. I tried so hard crawling through the back window to free them because I was afraid of another vehicle striking it or the car catching on fire. Even though we got them out I keep seeing the car being smashed between a truck and the rock wall. Or the worse yet, the fire. I can't help but wonder if I would've been able to stay and hold my daughters hand while it burned. Or would I have chickened out and left them to die. I don't think I would have. Knowing that anything could have happened I crawled back into the car to be with them until the firefighter got there. But the vision is so overwhelming. I got physically sick and had to check on the kids, as if somehow they hadn't made it and I had imagined them being alive all this time. Needless to say I didnt sleep the rest of the night. I keep thinking about the metal rod that went through my seat as well. If it hadnt been for me somehow falling out of my seatbelt and the bent door frame, landing 3 feet away from the wreckage, that pole would've been lodged somewhere above my bellybutton. I just wish I could get it off my mind. We are all fine. My injuries were minimum considering, but the thoughts wont go away.

Tonight was great. I took Sue to the park and we stayed for over three hours. I met a sweet man. Suzy and his son Gavin hit it off, walking around the park holding hands! It was adorable, so naturally me and this guy started talking. I don't think he was married, I didn't see a ring. But it must not of been anything anyways cause I don't even know his name! Was interesting though. We got home and Suzy dropped she was so tired, but someone across the way was doing fireworks, so I woke her up to watch. It was her first time seeing them, and she didn't disappoint! She kept saying "wow" and "crap, see that" (which she got from our redneck family :P ) It was soo cute. I love seeing her experience new things. It was a very good nite. Very relaxing. The only thing wrong with it is I am now on the phone with James :P he wont stop calling. But anyways my daughter is awesome, I just hope I bond with JJ like this as well.