So me and Jerry broke up a while back. He had enough of my attitude blah blah blah. :D I would say mission accomplished. Surprisingly, since we "split up" we have been getting along fabulously, that is until Saturday morning, in which he fouled up several of times, resulting in me breaking a broom. Tottally cheap broom though, it should have withstood being thrown. Anyways, he did something that i have been begging for him to do for the last couple months, to get one of his sisters to watch the baby so I can have peace. Well we really didn't get peace, instead we decided to make it a Suzy day and went to the pool with her. We actually had fun and laughed together. Scary. At one point I had my legs wrapped around him with him facing me and Sue clinging on my back, so he could pull us around. Needless to say it was a suggestive situation between us and I didn't feel any hatred. But it took me and I think him by surprise because he gave me this weird lil smile. SO we finished up our day and of course his sister couldn't handle the baby so by 9pm she was bringing him home and we ended up sitting outside talking a while. And me and Jerry were pointing out a constellation and we saw a shooting star. The look he gave me was soo sweet and he said we are the only ones who seen it. So we go to bed seperately and this morning he is back to being a JERK. But anyways I am sitting in my track pants and little tee this morning, my hair still braided in loose pigtails from the nght before, eating a banana and he comes back from the store. He wouldn't stop staring! And finally he goes, you know your driving me crazy right? I just shook my head and went back to reading my lil newspage. I think if it wasn't for his dad knocking on the door two mins later he would have attacked me! So the point of this. Probably none. It is just so messed up how our relationship goes from on extreme to the next. Could make a movie or sitcom on us. But I think for now it's best we stay broken up. It just sucks cause both of our names our on this lease and I dont have any money yet anyways. So we will either end up killing each other or.. probably killing each other.

okay theres a couple prayer request I would like to get out there. First there are two Alexas. Each one is suffering from cancer. Their parents, friends, community are all rooting for them to beat this. One is seven the other 12. Things arnt so hot for the youngest right now. Secondly for Kaitlyn. kaitlynn is thirteen. She was hit by a drunk driver. She has thankfully awoken from a coma after about a month, but is far from healed. She just recently spoke two words, but is still unable to move most of her body. Her liver has a slow leak that isn't repairing itself thus far. Of course, there is Maddie. May she come home safe or be in peace right now. i wish the best to her parents that they recover from this and stay strong for the other little ones, although I am so aggravated by the fact that they left her alone long enough for this to happen. In this day and age, children should never leave our sight. Which brings up one more point shared by Angie. All child murderers and pedophiles should be executed. No excuses. Please pray for the children above and all the children suffering.

My anger has been getting the best of me lately. I am not a stay at home mom kind of person. I don't have the doctors clearance to go back to work yet, but I think I am going to start looking this week. I can't go back to my old job because i dont have a vehicle or a way to get there. So I need to look for something in town that I can walk to. Which means going back to minimum wage probably. Yuck, but at least it gets me out of here and around adults again. I have been feeling so distant from everyone, even Ian which I thought would never happen. He is usually the one I run to when everything else is falling apart again. But now it's like everything that is going on in my life, has been done, is old. Theres nothing to look forward to in this day after day repitition crap. It sucks having to be so fake all the time. Playing nice at the mommy and me groups at the park, when all I want to do is smack these women across the head. How can devoting every minute of your day to your children and husband be fullfilling??? Maybe it's just me and I am too selfish to be a family person, but this lifestyle is killing me. I realised today I don't even dress how I used to. And it's not because of baby weight or time issues, it's because I fell into what he wanted me to be. I bet he is gonna flip when I go back to work. I think he figured since I have been home so long with the kids that I would adapt to this and not want to return, because every plan he has made lately has required me staying home, not returning to work. Is it just because I am young and feeling tied down or am I always going to be this restless? I am really struggling with my ed issues. I didn't eat all last week and ended up binging/purging yesterday. It wasn't even thought out or intentional, I just get disgusted with myself when I realise what I have ate. I am so sick of it and I am ready to leave it behind. Ian can't stand it and doesn't want to hear me talk about it. My friend Amanda is about ready to kill me for it. Jerry just wants me to get back to my prebaby weight. LOL he knows and he hasn't said one word to encourage me to stop. I do want to stop though for myself and my daughter. I would never want her to have these kind of hangups. And I am still wondering where is God?

Make Over
I can’t believe what you did to me
Down on my knees and I need to break free
All these years you violated me
(violated me)
I don’t know why I can’t feel inside
I try to hide can’t make it alright, it’s overkill
Now I’m ready to fight
(ready to fight)
I don’t need nobody tryin’ to make me over
I just want to live simple and free

I just want to get away
Savin’ all your bullshit for another day

Feeling confined like I’m bein’ force fed
My visions blurry and I’m lost in regrets
It’s overload and I’m outta control
(outta control)
So sick and tired of bein’ misused
(so misused)
You’re taking me down with all your mental abuse
And I said, I gotta get you outta my head
Everybody’s always trying to look me over
I just wanna live simple and free

I just want to get away
Saving all your bullshit for another day
I’m the only one that can rescue me from me

Leaving the house around quarter to five
Zipped up my boots and I’m ready to ride
And I feel so high, I feel so alive
Let down my hair feel the wind on my skin
Crossin’ the border where my new life begins
And I close my eyes and take it all in
I don’t need nobody tryin’ to make me over
(don’t make me over)
I just want to live simple and free

You wanna break me down...(