I am a 21 year old single mother of two gorgeous children, who drive me F*cking crazy, but I love them. I live with the father of my children, we will call him JL. We have been faking/forcing a relationship for a little over five years now. I am hopelessly in love with my best friend (whos reference name will be GOD, jk, IR) but will not persue it because he is my best friend. That seems to be the only thing I am willing to be patient with and just let happen if it is meant to happen. Otherwise my motto is instant gratification all the way. I am a mental mess. My personality/interest change from day to day. I have too much free time on my hands since my car accident has put me off work so I thought by blogging/journaling I might find some things out about myself. I am afraid to go to therapy because I am sure they will want to commit me, again, even if only for "observation". Hehe. I am obsessed with being perfect. I am pro ana/mia because fat is worse, and gross. I am seeking God and faith again. I havn't "believed" in a really long time, but some things have got me questioning lately. I am trying to be the "perfect southern woman". This is to please the yankee JL. And to impress his friends. I really like male attention, it is rather unhealthy. And it also pisses off their wives when I talk in my cute southern accent and act pleasing. I am terrible and selfish. Although lately I just hide in my house. Kinda depressed, wearing a stupid brace for three months from the accident, and not feeling so pretty. I really need to lose the weight from my last pregnancy. My son is two months old but I havnt been able to work out the good way because of my back being broke. Ummm my interest vary. BUT everything I do i want to be perfect. Boring huh. So yeah, unhealthy ways to lose weight, seeking God, in love with someone I wont go after, stuck around someone I hate. Need female friends and to quit obsessing about my looks. So I am going to examine each aspect of my life till this brace comes off and hopefully figure some things out, and quit going in circles headed no where.