I love days like this. Most people hate the heat but I can't get enough of it. And right now is perfect. You could look at the sky and see rain was coming and now it's a slow and steady, gentle pour. Didn't have to hear it or see it you could smell the earth seeping it in. Today was a lot less dramatic. I underestimated JL and jumped the gun yesterday like always. He realised that it would be a problem for me to handle the babies alone and made arrangements. Can't say I am too fond of his sister but it's someone to help out a bit. So like always I self sabotaged. I know he must really love or care about me to have put up with so much in the last five years, but he doesn't know how to show it if he truly does, and I need more. Maybe if we do get married we can try to really make it work. But deep down I feel I always will be longing for IR. And it's not so much as IR himself, as the freedom that would be associated. That probably doesn't make much sense in writing but I know what I mean, i think... I am glad I found this blog stream though. And maybe God knew I needed some kind of support... (although im not saying I fully believe again, I can be pretty darn stubborn and hard to convince.) Gotta feed the family. It's raining harder now and theres a nice breeze. Should open the house up.

I love Pastor Randy Morrison. I watched his show this morning, and like always was affected by it. I felt a little hope and renewal. I wonder though, why when I was praying so hard to God the other night, I never felt a thing. I was so empty inside that I cried for a while. I never got that loving presence, no matter how many sins I confessed and no matter how much I begged Jesus to be back in my life. SO it makes me wonder. Is he real? I didn't get that love and peace in solitude, yet when I watched this charismatic preacher preach away I was moved to great magnitudes. So could it be that all it was, was charisma? And for that matter maybe that is all it has ever been, one charismatic preacher after another giving falso hope. Maybe it's just an influence in church, and not God. Come to think of it, I don't remember ever feeling whole, or at peace, or loved from just praying. Only when I was in a community with a good speaker up front convincing me of these things, did I experience those things. So if the Holy Spirit doesn't come to me, how can I find something to have faith in. And no I am not waiting for some magic sign, I was honestly praying and inviting Him into my life. And I was let down. Go figure. My last hope is almost crushed.
Other than that, nothing new. Might have to marry the JERK to get health insurance. Part of my back feels numb yet itchy all the time. I was warned about spinal stenosis and I think I am going to have to get it checked. I canceled my follow up appointments because of not having insurance, probably a bad idea. So now I have to get married because independent health insurance is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too expensive when you have a preexisting condition. I just hope IR will understand and forgive me. Maybe he don't have to know... That's not right. He will be more pissed if I don't tell him. God I don't want to marry JL. Please show me another way. Haha.